Masochuticon #17.

The sum of your parts

by Holgate.

Thank you for choosing us. In order to process your application smoothly, we require you to produce two (2) forms of identification when submitting your claim.

Valid identification includes the following:

—one (1) large dog or two (2) small dogs. Large dogs include, but are not limited to: Labrador retrievers, Irish setters, cocker spaniels, poodles (standard); border collies. Puppies of all breeds are considered small dogs. Please call in advance for clarification. In all cases, dogs should respond to name and basic commands. NB: cats are not acceptable.

—two (2) combat service medals or one (1) award for valour. Please include a copy of any relevant citation. In exceptional circumstances, you may be asked to provide affidavits from a general officer.

—one (1) complete, itemised copy of your music collection supplied on disc. You may be tested for appropriate responses to randomly selected tracks. We regret that discs cannot be returned in any circumstances.

—twelve (12) digital images from each of the last three (3) journeys involving travel of more than 200km and a duration of more than two (2) nights. Please ensure that images include landmarks, monuments or other identifying scenery.

—six (6) digital images of your most recent home redecoration, accompanied by three (3) swatches of fabric or paint samples.

—two (2) sexual partners. Partners must not be known to one other, and will be asked to complete a questionnaire under oath on aspects of technique and overall satisfaction.

—one (1) digital video recording of a friend’s death. If you are not featured in the recording, please include evidence of your relationship.

—one (1) 500g container of your favourite ice-cream.

If you are unable to provide any of the above, we will accept any two (2) of the following:

—one (1) copy of iris-scan purchase records for the preceding three (3) months, counter-signed by your payment provider. Supporting documentation may be requested for any items lost, damaged or re-sold.

—one (1) complete medical analysis, completed no more than six (6) months before the date of your claim. Please include vendor information for all augmentations performed in the last five (5) years, with the exception of cosmetic enhancements.

—one (1) copy of Certificate of Authenticity from an approved generation facility, including batch number. If of foreign origin, certified inspection forms from the Department of Importation are acceptable. We reserve the right to delay any claim until clearance has been received from all known genetic matches.

We appreciate your assistance. We know you have a choice, and again, we thank you for choosing us.

By Holgate, 7 June, 2006; direct link.